Monday, 23 May 2011

Fast - Day 1

Quote: Hunger hurts, but starving works

Firstly i need to say that i wont be able to post again until thursday as i am jam packed with work and babysitting, with of course the gym sessions in there too.

So after my 3 day long binge, i am now fasting :D I have gone (so far) 24hours with no food, only 400ml of water and a good workout of 800cals and 500cals burnt through my day. Im feeling so strong!!

I came home in my lunch break to avoid sitting in the staff room, but i went to my frigde and took out the jelly (3cals). I opened it, put the spoon in and held it to my mouth. Then.....NO NO NO, i siad to myself!! I cleaned the spoon and cling filmed over the jelly and put it back in the fridge. I even went in to Asda to buy some more Dulcolax and browsed all the food, i picked food up, put it back, picked food up, put it back, brought the Dulcolax and walked off home. Without a single food purchase!! I know if i brought one thing it would lead to another, and then a binge.

So i weighed this morning at 105.2, and this evening im 104.4lb!! I've lost since this morning and i've not managed that for ages!! I'm over the moon.

Stay strong and skinny guys and girls
post on thursday
x x x

Friday, 20 May 2011


Quote: You are only a failure if you feel like a failure

I have so much 'uncontrolable' things happen to me this week, that i knew it was only a matter of time before i binged big style

1) Ryan turned all funny on me, with no space to make a relationship work
2) My mum!! Yes my mum, went in to my room and emptied my bins. There would have been lax and water pill packets, plus s/h plasters that she must have seen. (its not the first time she's nosied in my room, doesnt understand the word PRIVACY!!)
3) My massage got cancelled and i was so looking forward to relaxing for 1hr

So, you can see how it mounted up. Then all came tumbling out today. Here's what i ate, you're gonna be shocked, and you can truely tell me that im fat greedy cow, cos i sure do feel like one.

Yoghurt - 175
White bread - 120

Chicken wrap - 260
Minstrels - 211
Grapes - 32

Ice-cream - 260
Chocolate caramel slice - 289
Ham and cheese sandwich - 315
Chicken and pesto panini (1/2) - 200
Chocolate muffin - 300

Absolutely masses, and i've just weighed in -im 106.6, 3.6lb up from this morning (taken 16 lax, that will help tomorrow). This now will signal the start of a fast down to 100lb!! The thought of any food is repulsive right now.

Wish me luck with it,
I'm gonna be strong and do this!!!

Stay stronger than me people x x

Tuesday, 17 May 2011


Quote: The world crashed down around her

Hospital not so sure why i was actually scared. Lol. The lady was so nice and we 'clicked' from the begining. She said she had looked through my file, but thought it was be nice if i could talk her through whats going on with me at the i spent 1hr talking again (to the 8th person i've seen in 3 yrs) about what is going on with me. She wasnt patronising, wasnt cross/annoyed with me for any of my behaviours and even when i mentioned about the s/h she said if thats one of my ways of coping, for now she can give me infomation on how to keep it 'safe'. I'll be seeing her for 1hr every Tuesday afternoon, hope i continue to 'click' with her. She is similar to my old hospital therapist and i was so sad when she left at christmas :( So it should all work out good.

The man
The conversation goes like this Me "hope the traffic wasnt so bad getting home, was nice to see you again". Him - "haha, no it was fine. Was good seeing you, too". Me - "would you like to meet up again sometime?".........HIM - "i'm sorry, but my life is really messed up right now and i dont think i can bring anyone else in on it. I think you're a great girl, but i've got way too many problem in my head to try to make something work right now"

I dont understand it at all, everything was fine when i saw him that first night and he asked for my number, then when i saw him on saturday it went really well. I feel like he's just played me as a fool!!

Binge/purge and s/h
And because of the above, i completely binged cos i felt so worthless and stupid for allowing myself to even think someone may actually like me. I've had 2000ish calories and only burnt of 600 (cos i dint make the gym), I've purged more times than i want to admit, but because i ate pastry, chocolate, wrap , its not coming up easily so i've taken quite a few lax and water pills. I s/h too, because i then felt horrible with myself for binging when i should have fasted the pain away instead, one day i will learn. Now i know i will be looking at a gain on the scales both tonight and tomorrow morning :'(

Stay strong and skinny
x x

Monday, 16 May 2011

Tumbling Down

Quote: Never stop until YOU want to!

So, my weight is going down and down, as i intented!! I've hit the gym the last 3 days and burnt 1300cals. Although i did eat 1130 (sat), 596 (sun) and then today....just 295!! Finally under the 300 calorie mark :) Whoop Whoop!! I have cut ties with one of my ana buddy yesterday, because all of a sudden she is telling me to stop and to eat 1500 cals a day, and exercise less!! I dont want to :(

I was so sure i would gain sunday morning after eating so much saturday. The reason being i was on my date :D I have a lovely time with him and he choose the resturant (Gourmet Burger Kitchen), i was completely thrown!! No salads!! But they had the option of 'smaller' size burger and chips. So had the 'smaller' chicken burger and fries. I ate the chicken and 1/2 the bun, then about 1/4 of the chips. He ordered a milkshake, and for some reason i wanted to be the same so i ordered a milkshake too, but only drank 1/2 of it. We both had a nice time together and think we'll see each other again :) I got home with time to spare before babysitting, so i hit the gym and burnt it all off, but im affraid to say, i had to purge too.

ARGH!! My hospital appointment has come round so so quick, its now tomorrow :( I looked back through my ana diary to work out how many times i've exercised over the last 28 days, i though it was something like 16...but no...its 21, Taken lax every day, binged/purged 6 times, 16 days of 8 hour gap between eating, Only know what they will think to all that :S I'll try to post tomorrow night and let you know how it goes, if not i'll post wednesday

Stay strong and get skinny
x x x

Saturday, 14 May 2011


Quote: Anything is better than nothing!

I'm at a new lowest weight!! Im 104.2, cant believe it. After i binged last saturday and tuesday and getting to 108.8 (sun morning), i thought i would take me for ever to even get back to where i was before the binge.

Admittedly i have gone double hard on the workouts going up 100cals each time. I did 1300 on monday and made it 1800 yesterday. I finally hit 900cals in the gym, i do 45mins on the treadles, 10mins on the stairmaster, 20mins on the cross-trainer. I'll be doing that every time now. The only reason i made 1800 was because i walked 9miles in my day on a outing, so normally through my day i'll burn 600cals.

My plan is now 900 in the gym, 600 in my day and that will get to a nice rounded number of 1500cals. I'm only going to allow myself to eat when i actually feel hungry, and then i will only eat fruit and veggies. Im gonna keep taking the water pills cos otherwise i just store water like an elephant and i'll take 2 lax for every 100cals that i eat. I want to hit 98lb by the 4th june (my holiday). Hope i can do it!!

Meeting with Ryan today, he text and asked if i want to meet for lunch or something. I said yeah that would be nice, so he is ringing me at noon to arrange what we do. If its lunch i shall just have a salad. Thats another reason why i am so happy, im at my lowest weight for a first date :D

Im pleased the positives from the last post helped some of you, i never even thought of things like that until i was working out after my last binge, lol. Keep remembering them :)

Stay strong and skinny
Love me

Wednesday, 11 May 2011

Down in 3

Quote: see the positive in everything

The positive of bingeing: my body wont crave food tomorrow
The positive of purging: getting rid of the binge
The positive of exercise: burning of the calories
The positive of restricting: feeling empty

I though of those while i was in the gym because i binge last night on 2030 cals!! EXTREME BINGE. I mucked up at lunch time and then thought fuck it, dont bother going to the gym and i binged some more, but then Ana kicked in and i went to the gym exercised til i got a blister on my heal that killed and i burnt 1400 though my day (700 in the gym). I purged when i got home too, took some lax and it was completely worth it. I was down 0.8lb this morning. Making a loss of 3lb since sunday morning!!!

Today i've had 633cals to eat and i've been to the gym again. I pushed myself today and burnt 850 while i was there, plus i've done 650 through my day, so i will see another loss again tomorrow. I had planned to fast, but i cant seem to stick to it, so as im exercising loads i think i'll just keep my calories as low as i possibly can. 633, is a bit more than i's ideally like so im think 400cals a day and 400ml liquid. Sorted :)

Also thank you to everyone for your wishes of good luck and support with appointments and the dinner date at the weekend. I havent heard from Ryan since sunday, i text last so i dont really want to text again incase i come across as 'pushy' lol.

At the GP tomorrow, lets see what she says this time. Last time she was so patronising to me and made me feel like a small child being subborn. I'll inform you all on friday

Take care, stay skinny
Love me x x

Monday, 9 May 2011

The Wedding

Quote: Put the past behind you and move on forward

Probably 107lb by the time this was took

So, the wedding that i had to wear the blue dress for arrived and on the morning of it i was exactly 105lb and i was very pleased...but then i started to panic for some unknown reason. I kept thinking 'do i look ok?', 'what will people think of me?', 'whats the food gonna be?', 'will people watch me eat?' loads and loads of questions and it then triggered a slight binge and i ended up eating a cheese and bacon pasty (504cals), pineapple jelly (100cals), chocolate croissant (350cals), so i was way way over my cal limit all ready and this was only at 11am!!!

Come the evening when i was at the wedding the had a buffet style thing at 5pm and because people where around i didnt take much (that and i still felt sick from my binge). I had a slice of turkey, 2 new potatoes, tomatoes, cucumber - which is ok. Then MORE food came at 10pm and i had a tiny square of pizza, 2 sausage rolls, piece of quiche and 1/4 pork pie. Not forgetting 3 diet cokes with Malibu and a glass of Buck Fizz!!

All that food a drink made me weight 108.8 the next morning - up a MASSIVE 3.8lb!! I cried and cried. Why do allow myself to binge and put on the weight, yet if someone was to had me something and say "eat this" i wouldnt be able to. I took 12 lax, 6 water pills and 1 OEP yesterday - made me down 0.2lb!! CRAP

I went in to town afterwards with Kim and we were walking to the taxi rank and she decided McDonalds was calling us so we walked to McDonalds (she had food - i stayed clear). While we were walking it was pouring with rain and this random guy asked her offered her his shirt, but he didnt actually have one to give! Lol. Then i said i was cold, and his friend took off his shirt and gave it to me :D We chatted, and i found out he's 23yr, in the military, and has a pent house. I was gonna leave so i gave him his shirt back and he asked for my number!! I gave it to him and he text me last night asking to take me to dinner this weekend!! I said "yeah, im free. That will be really nice". But left thinking 'i really like this guy, but what/how can i eat in front of him?'. Plus i dont want this to trigger another binge and me gain weight before i see him again.

Today has been so much better im on track and not looking back!! Only had 262cals, burnt off 1300 (700 in the gym, 600 through my day) and im not even feeling hungry!! I've just weighed myself this evening and i'm 108.6 (last night i was 110.2) so im down 1.6lb!! GET IN THERE. Exercise is my way to go, with a few lax and water pills of course. I'm going to get through tomorrow on 35cals (jelly - 3, grapes - 32), because i cant get to the gym as im working late. How ever, i will do aerobics in my room :)

Out-patients appointment is only 1wk away, i got the comfirmation letter through on saturday along with a questionnaire for me to fill in and take along with me. I filled it in before so it wont take me long. It has questions like 'how many times in the last 28 days have you....restricted, gone for 8hrs without eating, purged, used laxatives, exercised, binged' and then loads more about 'how do you feel about your shape, weight, not weighing yourself every day'. All joyful things  - not, lol

Hang in there all of you, thank you so so much for all your lovely support! it means so much to me!!

Stay strong and skinny
x x x

Friday, 6 May 2011

Out-Patients :(

Quote: One day i will look at myself in the mirror and like what i see

Well. . . appointments have come up :( SO suddenly too, because when i emailed last month they said it would be a 4mth wait (fine by me) and then mum ring on tuesday, the hospital has a team meeting the next, they ring back and give me an appointment for the 17th May @ 9.30am!!

I'm not sure how i feel to be completely honest because i know they will want me to gain weight, but i dont want to just yet, i haven't got thin enough, i've not meet my goal :'( I'm thinking i will go ahead with them (it will make things easier at home too) but not always do as they ask. I'm not fussed if i get in to trouble, haha. Weight loss is the most important thing right now!!

I go away on the 4th June and i have set myself to be 98lb by then, its one month away and im 105.4 now. Makes it 7.4lb to loss in a month :S i best get cracking on with it!! Gym every night, calories under 300.

Got to wear the blue dress tomorrow, i am down 2.2lb from when i first tried it on, so i guess thats not too bad :S but it could have been a lot better.

Have a great weekend all, and i will post again on Monday
Stay strong x x

Wednesday, 4 May 2011

Past 3 days

Quote: Its doesnt matter how slow you go, as long as you DONT stop!

So, my past 3 days goes like this:
Food       Liquid      Exercise       Negative Cals
489         500ml      1100              -611
695         400ml      1250              -595
486         400ml      1100              -614

As you can see, im pretty on track with burning of what ive eaten, and a lot more!!
I hadnt planned to go on the second night, but i ate a tuna roll and was sitting at home thinking about it and feeling so guilty that i ate it. I weighed myself and i'd gained 0.6lb, so there was my decission made...HIT THE GYM! And i did, losing the 0.6lb that i put on! Thank goodness for that. Think i would have cut if i hadnt gone to the gym, my thoughts were completely on the food.

One thing im realising is, work through the pain!! It does go eventually. I got a stitch half way through my workout, but had done no where near enough so i continued through it and it eased off. I kept saying to myself 'the pain is the fat melting away'. My sound stupid, but it kept me going :)

My mum's rang the hospital today and told them that i've lost more weight and she want to chase up when my appointment will be. Yes, i'll go to appointments (to please my mum) but i wont listen to commit to what they ask of me. Thin is what i want, Thin is what i will get!!!

I've got to lose another 2lb by saturday, thats when i have to wear my blue dress :S Hopefully i can do it!!

Stay strong everyone,
Love me x x

Sunday, 1 May 2011


Quote: Thin is beauitul, fat is never

I just wanna start by saying how sorry i am for not being around for you guys and commenting on your posts, but keep going everyone. If you've had blips you CAN and WILL get over them.

So...ive not been around for a few days because i had some terrible terrible binges!! I went from 104.8 - 107.6!! then up again the next night to 108.6!! I felt fat, sick, horrible, guilty. So i didnt think it would be wise to post, it would have only been all negative.

But back on losing!! Back to 106.2 this morning, and fasting until i lose 7lb. Well i'll try to fast, but may just be servere restriction. Hitting the gym each day and burning 400cals (more if i can) while im there. That combined with a days work, lax, and water pills, i should get there soon - ish.

Mum keeps making comments yesterday and today, saying how she feels sick to look at me and that im stick thin, need to fight back and get rid of Ana before i lose all my friends. I dont want to fight with Ana, she is the one thing that i can rely on. All my friends let me down time and time again anyway, so im not fussed if they leave me. Ana is STAYING!!!

Thank you for all your kind support in my last post!!
Stay strong everyone!!