Thursday, 30 January 2014

I'm Back

I'm back, everyone!! I don't know if I have followers or not anymore, but oh well.

Its been almost 3 years since I last posted on here, and so much has happened. I've been though the Eating Disorder services and was discharged informal in Jan '12 from my individual therapy, before starting group therapy. I was then discharged formal in Jan '13.
My therapist Sarah. B was lovely, I saw her for 9mths in totally, but she didn't really understand me sometimes. For one she didn't listen when I kept telling her that I had begun to binge and make myself sick, hence the reason for group therapy after - that was for bulimia.

Since leaving services, my bingeing and purging continued for well in to 10mths, but I now think I have it under control. yes, I eat too much on the odd days, but I don't purge and I am careful what I eat the next day. I still take laxatives and diets pill, just to be sure.

the reason I am back is because I am making myself skinny again, I had what bulimia has done to my body and now its time to fix it. sort it out, mend it. I'm going to be strict (I am already really), i'll be running every other day, and still taking pill.

I will have a body for the summer that I like!!

Thursday, 2 June 2011


Quote: i let myself believe miracles can happen, now i have to pretend i dont care.

So....This is going to be the last post i make before i go on holiday. I return on the 11th June, so will try and post as soon as possible once i am back.

I've been ok recently, kind of getting over the train incident, but every time i see a train or hear a train i start to well up and cry, so im avoiding going to the station for buses. I choose the other stops.

I went on quite a binge the other day, and really thought i would have put on weight when i went to my GP this afternoon, but NO!!!! I was still the same!! 106lb, BMI 16.8! Fabulous stuff. While im on holiday with my friend we get breakfast and dinner included, so im thinking of having some fruit for breakfast, skipping the lunch (saying ive not got much money to buy anything) and then choosing a little something at dinner, but then saying i dont like it. Im gonna use this holiday to lose weight, but have a good time too!! Hope i can be down 2 or 3lb :s

So, stay strong everyone
miss you all!!
Love Me x x

Monday, 23 May 2011

Fast - Day 1

Quote: Hunger hurts, but starving works

Firstly i need to say that i wont be able to post again until thursday as i am jam packed with work and babysitting, with of course the gym sessions in there too.

So after my 3 day long binge, i am now fasting :D I have gone (so far) 24hours with no food, only 400ml of water and a good workout of 800cals and 500cals burnt through my day. Im feeling so strong!!

I came home in my lunch break to avoid sitting in the staff room, but i went to my frigde and took out the jelly (3cals). I opened it, put the spoon in and held it to my mouth. Then.....NO NO NO, i siad to myself!! I cleaned the spoon and cling filmed over the jelly and put it back in the fridge. I even went in to Asda to buy some more Dulcolax and browsed all the food, i picked food up, put it back, picked food up, put it back, brought the Dulcolax and walked off home. Without a single food purchase!! I know if i brought one thing it would lead to another, and then a binge.

So i weighed this morning at 105.2, and this evening im 104.4lb!! I've lost since this morning and i've not managed that for ages!! I'm over the moon.

Stay strong and skinny guys and girls
post on thursday
x x x

Friday, 20 May 2011


Quote: You are only a failure if you feel like a failure

I have so much 'uncontrolable' things happen to me this week, that i knew it was only a matter of time before i binged big style

1) Ryan turned all funny on me, with no space to make a relationship work
2) My mum!! Yes my mum, went in to my room and emptied my bins. There would have been lax and water pill packets, plus s/h plasters that she must have seen. (its not the first time she's nosied in my room, doesnt understand the word PRIVACY!!)
3) My massage got cancelled and i was so looking forward to relaxing for 1hr

So, you can see how it mounted up. Then all came tumbling out today. Here's what i ate, you're gonna be shocked, and you can truely tell me that im fat greedy cow, cos i sure do feel like one.

Yoghurt - 175
White bread - 120

Chicken wrap - 260
Minstrels - 211
Grapes - 32

Ice-cream - 260
Chocolate caramel slice - 289
Ham and cheese sandwich - 315
Chicken and pesto panini (1/2) - 200
Chocolate muffin - 300

Absolutely masses, and i've just weighed in -im 106.6, 3.6lb up from this morning (taken 16 lax, that will help tomorrow). This now will signal the start of a fast down to 100lb!! The thought of any food is repulsive right now.

Wish me luck with it,
I'm gonna be strong and do this!!!

Stay stronger than me people x x

Tuesday, 17 May 2011


Quote: The world crashed down around her

Hospital not so sure why i was actually scared. Lol. The lady was so nice and we 'clicked' from the begining. She said she had looked through my file, but thought it was be nice if i could talk her through whats going on with me at the i spent 1hr talking again (to the 8th person i've seen in 3 yrs) about what is going on with me. She wasnt patronising, wasnt cross/annoyed with me for any of my behaviours and even when i mentioned about the s/h she said if thats one of my ways of coping, for now she can give me infomation on how to keep it 'safe'. I'll be seeing her for 1hr every Tuesday afternoon, hope i continue to 'click' with her. She is similar to my old hospital therapist and i was so sad when she left at christmas :( So it should all work out good.

The man
The conversation goes like this Me "hope the traffic wasnt so bad getting home, was nice to see you again". Him - "haha, no it was fine. Was good seeing you, too". Me - "would you like to meet up again sometime?".........HIM - "i'm sorry, but my life is really messed up right now and i dont think i can bring anyone else in on it. I think you're a great girl, but i've got way too many problem in my head to try to make something work right now"

I dont understand it at all, everything was fine when i saw him that first night and he asked for my number, then when i saw him on saturday it went really well. I feel like he's just played me as a fool!!

Binge/purge and s/h
And because of the above, i completely binged cos i felt so worthless and stupid for allowing myself to even think someone may actually like me. I've had 2000ish calories and only burnt of 600 (cos i dint make the gym), I've purged more times than i want to admit, but because i ate pastry, chocolate, wrap , its not coming up easily so i've taken quite a few lax and water pills. I s/h too, because i then felt horrible with myself for binging when i should have fasted the pain away instead, one day i will learn. Now i know i will be looking at a gain on the scales both tonight and tomorrow morning :'(

Stay strong and skinny
x x

Monday, 16 May 2011

Tumbling Down

Quote: Never stop until YOU want to!

So, my weight is going down and down, as i intented!! I've hit the gym the last 3 days and burnt 1300cals. Although i did eat 1130 (sat), 596 (sun) and then today....just 295!! Finally under the 300 calorie mark :) Whoop Whoop!! I have cut ties with one of my ana buddy yesterday, because all of a sudden she is telling me to stop and to eat 1500 cals a day, and exercise less!! I dont want to :(

I was so sure i would gain sunday morning after eating so much saturday. The reason being i was on my date :D I have a lovely time with him and he choose the resturant (Gourmet Burger Kitchen), i was completely thrown!! No salads!! But they had the option of 'smaller' size burger and chips. So had the 'smaller' chicken burger and fries. I ate the chicken and 1/2 the bun, then about 1/4 of the chips. He ordered a milkshake, and for some reason i wanted to be the same so i ordered a milkshake too, but only drank 1/2 of it. We both had a nice time together and think we'll see each other again :) I got home with time to spare before babysitting, so i hit the gym and burnt it all off, but im affraid to say, i had to purge too.

ARGH!! My hospital appointment has come round so so quick, its now tomorrow :( I looked back through my ana diary to work out how many times i've exercised over the last 28 days, i though it was something like 16...but no...its 21, Taken lax every day, binged/purged 6 times, 16 days of 8 hour gap between eating, Only know what they will think to all that :S I'll try to post tomorrow night and let you know how it goes, if not i'll post wednesday

Stay strong and get skinny
x x x

Saturday, 14 May 2011


Quote: Anything is better than nothing!

I'm at a new lowest weight!! Im 104.2, cant believe it. After i binged last saturday and tuesday and getting to 108.8 (sun morning), i thought i would take me for ever to even get back to where i was before the binge.

Admittedly i have gone double hard on the workouts going up 100cals each time. I did 1300 on monday and made it 1800 yesterday. I finally hit 900cals in the gym, i do 45mins on the treadles, 10mins on the stairmaster, 20mins on the cross-trainer. I'll be doing that every time now. The only reason i made 1800 was because i walked 9miles in my day on a outing, so normally through my day i'll burn 600cals.

My plan is now 900 in the gym, 600 in my day and that will get to a nice rounded number of 1500cals. I'm only going to allow myself to eat when i actually feel hungry, and then i will only eat fruit and veggies. Im gonna keep taking the water pills cos otherwise i just store water like an elephant and i'll take 2 lax for every 100cals that i eat. I want to hit 98lb by the 4th june (my holiday). Hope i can do it!!

Meeting with Ryan today, he text and asked if i want to meet for lunch or something. I said yeah that would be nice, so he is ringing me at noon to arrange what we do. If its lunch i shall just have a salad. Thats another reason why i am so happy, im at my lowest weight for a first date :D

Im pleased the positives from the last post helped some of you, i never even thought of things like that until i was working out after my last binge, lol. Keep remembering them :)

Stay strong and skinny
Love me