Quote: see the positive in everything
The positive of bingeing: my body wont crave food tomorrow
The positive of purging: getting rid of the binge
The positive of exercise: burning of the calories
The positive of restricting: feeling empty
I though of those while i was in the gym because i binge last night on 2030 cals!! EXTREME BINGE. I mucked up at lunch time and then thought fuck it, dont bother going to the gym and i binged some more, but then Ana kicked in and i went to the gym exercised til i got a blister on my heal that killed and i burnt 1400 though my day (700 in the gym). I purged when i got home too, took some lax and it was completely worth it. I was down 0.8lb this morning. Making a loss of 3lb since sunday morning!!!
Today i've had 633cals to eat and i've been to the gym again. I pushed myself today and burnt 850 while i was there, plus i've done 650 through my day, so i will see another loss again tomorrow. I had planned to fast, but i cant seem to stick to it, so as im exercising loads i think i'll just keep my calories as low as i possibly can. 633, is a bit more than i's ideally like so im think 400cals a day and 400ml liquid. Sorted :)
Also thank you to everyone for your wishes of good luck and support with appointments and the dinner date at the weekend. I havent heard from Ryan since sunday, i text last so i dont really want to text again incase i come across as 'pushy' lol.
At the GP tomorrow, lets see what she says this time. Last time she was so patronising to me and made me feel like a small child being subborn. I'll inform you all on friday
Take care, stay skinny
Love me x x
Wednesday, 11 May 2011
Monday, 9 May 2011
The Wedding
Quote: Put the past behind you and move on forward
So, the wedding that i had to wear the blue dress for arrived and on the morning of it i was exactly 105lb and i was very pleased...but then i started to panic for some unknown reason. I kept thinking 'do i look ok?', 'what will people think of me?', 'whats the food gonna be?', 'will people watch me eat?' loads and loads of questions and it then triggered a slight binge and i ended up eating a cheese and bacon pasty (504cals), pineapple jelly (100cals), chocolate croissant (350cals), so i was way way over my cal limit all ready and this was only at 11am!!!
Come the evening when i was at the wedding the had a buffet style thing at 5pm and because people where around i didnt take much (that and i still felt sick from my binge). I had a slice of turkey, 2 new potatoes, tomatoes, cucumber - which is ok. Then MORE food came at 10pm and i had a tiny square of pizza, 2 sausage rolls, piece of quiche and 1/4 pork pie. Not forgetting 3 diet cokes with Malibu and a glass of Buck Fizz!!
All that food a drink made me weight 108.8 the next morning - up a MASSIVE 3.8lb!! I cried and cried. Why do allow myself to binge and put on the weight, yet if someone was to had me something and say "eat this" i wouldnt be able to. I took 12 lax, 6 water pills and 1 OEP yesterday - made me down 0.2lb!! CRAP
I went in to town afterwards with Kim and we were walking to the taxi rank and she decided McDonalds was calling us so we walked to McDonalds (she had food - i stayed clear). While we were walking it was pouring with rain and this random guy asked her offered her his shirt, but he didnt actually have one to give! Lol. Then i said i was cold, and his friend took off his shirt and gave it to me :D We chatted, and i found out he's 23yr, in the military, and has a pent house. I was gonna leave so i gave him his shirt back and he asked for my number!! I gave it to him and he text me last night asking to take me to dinner this weekend!! I said "yeah, im free. That will be really nice". But now...im left thinking 'i really like this guy, but what/how can i eat in front of him?'. Plus i dont want this to trigger another binge and me gain weight before i see him again.
Today has been so much better im on track and not looking back!! Only had 262cals, burnt off 1300 (700 in the gym, 600 through my day) and im not even feeling hungry!! I've just weighed myself this evening and i'm 108.6 (last night i was 110.2) so im down 1.6lb!! GET IN THERE. Exercise is my way to go, with a few lax and water pills of course. I'm going to get through tomorrow on 35cals (jelly - 3, grapes - 32), because i cant get to the gym as im working late. How ever, i will do aerobics in my room :)
Out-patients appointment is only 1wk away, i got the comfirmation letter through on saturday along with a questionnaire for me to fill in and take along with me. I filled it in before so it wont take me long. It has questions like 'how many times in the last 28 days have you....restricted, gone for 8hrs without eating, purged, used laxatives, exercised, binged' and then loads more about 'how do you feel about your shape, weight, not weighing yourself every day'. All joyful things - not, lol
Hang in there all of you, thank you so so much for all your lovely support! it means so much to me!!
Stay strong and skinny
x x x
 |
| Probably 107lb by the time this was took |
So, the wedding that i had to wear the blue dress for arrived and on the morning of it i was exactly 105lb and i was very pleased...but then i started to panic for some unknown reason. I kept thinking 'do i look ok?', 'what will people think of me?', 'whats the food gonna be?', 'will people watch me eat?' loads and loads of questions and it then triggered a slight binge and i ended up eating a cheese and bacon pasty (504cals), pineapple jelly (100cals), chocolate croissant (350cals), so i was way way over my cal limit all ready and this was only at 11am!!!
Come the evening when i was at the wedding the had a buffet style thing at 5pm and because people where around i didnt take much (that and i still felt sick from my binge). I had a slice of turkey, 2 new potatoes, tomatoes, cucumber - which is ok. Then MORE food came at 10pm and i had a tiny square of pizza, 2 sausage rolls, piece of quiche and 1/4 pork pie. Not forgetting 3 diet cokes with Malibu and a glass of Buck Fizz!!
All that food a drink made me weight 108.8 the next morning - up a MASSIVE 3.8lb!! I cried and cried. Why do allow myself to binge and put on the weight, yet if someone was to had me something and say "eat this" i wouldnt be able to. I took 12 lax, 6 water pills and 1 OEP yesterday - made me down 0.2lb!! CRAP
I went in to town afterwards with Kim and we were walking to the taxi rank and she decided McDonalds was calling us so we walked to McDonalds (she had food - i stayed clear). While we were walking it was pouring with rain and this random guy asked her offered her his shirt, but he didnt actually have one to give! Lol. Then i said i was cold, and his friend took off his shirt and gave it to me :D We chatted, and i found out he's 23yr, in the military, and has a pent house. I was gonna leave so i gave him his shirt back and he asked for my number!! I gave it to him and he text me last night asking to take me to dinner this weekend!! I said "yeah, im free. That will be really nice". But now...im left thinking 'i really like this guy, but what/how can i eat in front of him?'. Plus i dont want this to trigger another binge and me gain weight before i see him again.
Today has been so much better im on track and not looking back!! Only had 262cals, burnt off 1300 (700 in the gym, 600 through my day) and im not even feeling hungry!! I've just weighed myself this evening and i'm 108.6 (last night i was 110.2) so im down 1.6lb!! GET IN THERE. Exercise is my way to go, with a few lax and water pills of course. I'm going to get through tomorrow on 35cals (jelly - 3, grapes - 32), because i cant get to the gym as im working late. How ever, i will do aerobics in my room :)
Out-patients appointment is only 1wk away, i got the comfirmation letter through on saturday along with a questionnaire for me to fill in and take along with me. I filled it in before so it wont take me long. It has questions like 'how many times in the last 28 days have you....restricted, gone for 8hrs without eating, purged, used laxatives, exercised, binged' and then loads more about 'how do you feel about your shape, weight, not weighing yourself every day'. All joyful things - not, lol
Hang in there all of you, thank you so so much for all your lovely support! it means so much to me!!
Stay strong and skinny
x x x
Friday, 6 May 2011
Out-Patients :(
Quote: One day i will look at myself in the mirror and like what i see
Well. . . appointments have come up :( SO suddenly too, because when i emailed last month they said it would be a 4mth wait (fine by me) and then mum ring on tuesday, the hospital has a team meeting the next, they ring back and give me an appointment for the 17th May @ 9.30am!!
I'm not sure how i feel to be completely honest because i know they will want me to gain weight, but i dont want to just yet, i haven't got thin enough, i've not meet my goal :'( I'm thinking i will go ahead with them (it will make things easier at home too) but not always do as they ask. I'm not fussed if i get in to trouble, haha. Weight loss is the most important thing right now!!
I go away on the 4th June and i have set myself to be 98lb by then, its one month away and im 105.4 now. Makes it 7.4lb to loss in a month :S i best get cracking on with it!! Gym every night, calories under 300.
Got to wear the blue dress tomorrow, i am down 2.2lb from when i first tried it on, so i guess thats not too bad :S but it could have been a lot better.
Have a great weekend all, and i will post again on Monday
Stay strong x x
Well. . . appointments have come up :( SO suddenly too, because when i emailed last month they said it would be a 4mth wait (fine by me) and then mum ring on tuesday, the hospital has a team meeting the next, they ring back and give me an appointment for the 17th May @ 9.30am!!
I'm not sure how i feel to be completely honest because i know they will want me to gain weight, but i dont want to just yet, i haven't got thin enough, i've not meet my goal :'( I'm thinking i will go ahead with them (it will make things easier at home too) but not always do as they ask. I'm not fussed if i get in to trouble, haha. Weight loss is the most important thing right now!!
I go away on the 4th June and i have set myself to be 98lb by then, its one month away and im 105.4 now. Makes it 7.4lb to loss in a month :S i best get cracking on with it!! Gym every night, calories under 300.
Got to wear the blue dress tomorrow, i am down 2.2lb from when i first tried it on, so i guess thats not too bad :S but it could have been a lot better.
Have a great weekend all, and i will post again on Monday
Stay strong x x
Wednesday, 4 May 2011
Past 3 days
Quote: Its doesnt matter how slow you go, as long as you DONT stop!
So, my past 3 days goes like this:
Food Liquid Exercise Negative Cals
489 500ml 1100 -611
695 400ml 1250 -595
486 400ml 1100 -614
As you can see, im pretty on track with burning of what ive eaten, and a lot more!!
I hadnt planned to go on the second night, but i ate a tuna roll and was sitting at home thinking about it and feeling so guilty that i ate it. I weighed myself and i'd gained 0.6lb, so there was my decission made...HIT THE GYM! And i did, losing the 0.6lb that i put on! Thank goodness for that. Think i would have cut if i hadnt gone to the gym, my thoughts were completely on the food.
One thing im realising is, work through the pain!! It does go eventually. I got a stitch half way through my workout, but had done no where near enough so i continued through it and it eased off. I kept saying to myself 'the pain is the fat melting away'. My sound stupid, but it kept me going :)
My mum's rang the hospital today and told them that i've lost more weight and she want to chase up when my appointment will be. Yes, i'll go to appointments (to please my mum) but i wont listen to commit to what they ask of me. Thin is what i want, Thin is what i will get!!!
I've got to lose another 2lb by saturday, thats when i have to wear my blue dress :S Hopefully i can do it!!
Stay strong everyone,
Love me x x
So, my past 3 days goes like this:
Food Liquid Exercise Negative Cals
489 500ml 1100 -611
695 400ml 1250 -595
486 400ml 1100 -614
As you can see, im pretty on track with burning of what ive eaten, and a lot more!!
I hadnt planned to go on the second night, but i ate a tuna roll and was sitting at home thinking about it and feeling so guilty that i ate it. I weighed myself and i'd gained 0.6lb, so there was my decission made...HIT THE GYM! And i did, losing the 0.6lb that i put on! Thank goodness for that. Think i would have cut if i hadnt gone to the gym, my thoughts were completely on the food.
One thing im realising is, work through the pain!! It does go eventually. I got a stitch half way through my workout, but had done no where near enough so i continued through it and it eased off. I kept saying to myself 'the pain is the fat melting away'. My sound stupid, but it kept me going :)
My mum's rang the hospital today and told them that i've lost more weight and she want to chase up when my appointment will be. Yes, i'll go to appointments (to please my mum) but i wont listen to commit to what they ask of me. Thin is what i want, Thin is what i will get!!!
I've got to lose another 2lb by saturday, thats when i have to wear my blue dress :S Hopefully i can do it!!
Stay strong everyone,
Love me x x
Sunday, 1 May 2011
Sorry
Quote: Thin is beauitul, fat is never
I just wanna start by saying how sorry i am for not being around for you guys and commenting on your posts, but keep going everyone. If you've had blips you CAN and WILL get over them.
So...ive not been around for a few days because i had some terrible terrible binges!! I went from 104.8 - 107.6!! then up again the next night to 108.6!! I felt fat, sick, horrible, guilty. So i didnt think it would be wise to post, it would have only been all negative.
But now...im back on losing!! Back to 106.2 this morning, and fasting until i lose 7lb. Well i'll try to fast, but may just be servere restriction. Hitting the gym each day and burning 400cals (more if i can) while im there. That combined with a days work, lax, and water pills, i should get there soon - ish.
Mum keeps making comments yesterday and today, saying how she feels sick to look at me and that im stick thin, need to fight back and get rid of Ana before i lose all my friends. I dont want to fight with Ana, she is the one thing that i can rely on. All my friends let me down time and time again anyway, so im not fussed if they leave me. Ana is STAYING!!!
Thank you for all your kind support in my last post!!
Stay strong everyone!!
Xoxo
I just wanna start by saying how sorry i am for not being around for you guys and commenting on your posts, but keep going everyone. If you've had blips you CAN and WILL get over them.
So...ive not been around for a few days because i had some terrible terrible binges!! I went from 104.8 - 107.6!! then up again the next night to 108.6!! I felt fat, sick, horrible, guilty. So i didnt think it would be wise to post, it would have only been all negative.
But now...im back on losing!! Back to 106.2 this morning, and fasting until i lose 7lb. Well i'll try to fast, but may just be servere restriction. Hitting the gym each day and burning 400cals (more if i can) while im there. That combined with a days work, lax, and water pills, i should get there soon - ish.
Mum keeps making comments yesterday and today, saying how she feels sick to look at me and that im stick thin, need to fight back and get rid of Ana before i lose all my friends. I dont want to fight with Ana, she is the one thing that i can rely on. All my friends let me down time and time again anyway, so im not fussed if they leave me. Ana is STAYING!!!
Thank you for all your kind support in my last post!!
Stay strong everyone!!
Xoxo
Tuesday, 26 April 2011
25/04/11 & 26/04/11
Quote: Not eating light, will make your clothes too tight!!
25/04/11
I broke my fast today, i had planned to but not to eat as many calories as i did. We went to the seaside for the day, and i made it all the way through til about 2pm with only 150ml of apple juice. I was quite pleased. Then...it goes bad. Dad went and brought ice-creams, i said so 'no' so he took if off me, took some of the ice-cream for himself and then shoved it back at me!! I had 3 licks and could feel the cold dairy in my stomach! im not good with pure dairy at the best of times - so ice-cream was BAD!! I felt sick, bloated, pure ewwww. I took 4 lax and 4 water pills.
But i came home and started to binge :'( I had 1 small easter egg. I did manage to stop myself, because i didnt want to ruin my weight anymore than i had done. When i weighed myself tonight, i was down 0.2lb from last night. Not very good at all!!!
I burnt of 550 through my day
26/04/11
ARGH!!!! Im up 0.4lb, how could i have been so foolish and gave in to the ice-cream. That started the whole spiral off. Stupid thing. And then....Cos i was disappointed i ate 1/2 a small easter egg for brekkie then some plain bread - 405cals in one sitting! FAT is coming my way.
That wasnt the end of it. At lunch i went to the shop, only planned to buy a diet coke, but brought a cheese sandwich, sponge cake and some rolos. I dont know what came over me, i could stop myself buying them. I ate 1/2 of each thing and then threw the rest away - this is miles better than i normally do. Normally i'd eat the whole intire lot. I think it was about 650cals i ate there.
Then....no more :D i've ate nothing since 12pm, and its not 8pm. Not even feeling hungry and not going to give in if i do. I went to the gym after work and burnt 450 while i was there, i had to stop after 50mins cos of my chest again, so i've done some aerobics now that im home :D
In total i've burnt 1150cals and eaten 1055. Taken lax and water pills, to counter-act my wrong doings. Not a fabulous day. Tomorrow WILL be better.
Take care everyone, stay strong x x
25/04/11
I broke my fast today, i had planned to but not to eat as many calories as i did. We went to the seaside for the day, and i made it all the way through til about 2pm with only 150ml of apple juice. I was quite pleased. Then...it goes bad. Dad went and brought ice-creams, i said so 'no' so he took if off me, took some of the ice-cream for himself and then shoved it back at me!! I had 3 licks and could feel the cold dairy in my stomach! im not good with pure dairy at the best of times - so ice-cream was BAD!! I felt sick, bloated, pure ewwww. I took 4 lax and 4 water pills.
But i came home and started to binge :'( I had 1 small easter egg. I did manage to stop myself, because i didnt want to ruin my weight anymore than i had done. When i weighed myself tonight, i was down 0.2lb from last night. Not very good at all!!!
I burnt of 550 through my day
26/04/11
ARGH!!!! Im up 0.4lb, how could i have been so foolish and gave in to the ice-cream. That started the whole spiral off. Stupid thing. And then....Cos i was disappointed i ate 1/2 a small easter egg for brekkie then some plain bread - 405cals in one sitting! FAT is coming my way.
That wasnt the end of it. At lunch i went to the shop, only planned to buy a diet coke, but brought a cheese sandwich, sponge cake and some rolos. I dont know what came over me, i could stop myself buying them. I ate 1/2 of each thing and then threw the rest away - this is miles better than i normally do. Normally i'd eat the whole intire lot. I think it was about 650cals i ate there.
Then....no more :D i've ate nothing since 12pm, and its not 8pm. Not even feeling hungry and not going to give in if i do. I went to the gym after work and burnt 450 while i was there, i had to stop after 50mins cos of my chest again, so i've done some aerobics now that im home :D
In total i've burnt 1150cals and eaten 1055. Taken lax and water pills, to counter-act my wrong doings. Not a fabulous day. Tomorrow WILL be better.
Take care everyone, stay strong x x
Sunday, 24 April 2011
Heat Wave
Quote: Skip dinner, end up thinner
O.M.G!! think i may have over-done the gym last night 475 burnt in there, and 670 through out my day (1120). I felt terrible when i got home, like someone was pushing down on my chest. Werent nice, but i woke up this morning and the pain is gone, im down 0.8lb, so all is OK.
My family have gone out for a 'Easter Lunch' and i decided not to go (think of the calories in a meal!!) so i've got the house to myself. I've been sunbathing, and its come to lunch time. I went to the fridge took out pineapple, grapes, then the cupboard and took out ricecakes (114cals), put them all in a bag and throw them in the bin. I made sure i hid them well underneath other stuff. I'm walking to my friends house which is 3.5miles away, so i'll be sure to burn a lot of calories :)
I'm quite pleased i've changed my goal weight, 105lb is no where near thin enough!!
Stay strong everyone!!
Thank you for all you lovely comments on my posts, they really spur me on :D
P.S, here is me in the dress, i'll be thinner on the day!!
O.M.G!! think i may have over-done the gym last night 475 burnt in there, and 670 through out my day (1120). I felt terrible when i got home, like someone was pushing down on my chest. Werent nice, but i woke up this morning and the pain is gone, im down 0.8lb, so all is OK.
My family have gone out for a 'Easter Lunch' and i decided not to go (think of the calories in a meal!!) so i've got the house to myself. I've been sunbathing, and its come to lunch time. I went to the fridge took out pineapple, grapes, then the cupboard and took out ricecakes (114cals), put them all in a bag and throw them in the bin. I made sure i hid them well underneath other stuff. I'm walking to my friends house which is 3.5miles away, so i'll be sure to burn a lot of calories :)
I'm quite pleased i've changed my goal weight, 105lb is no where near thin enough!!
Stay strong everyone!!
Thank you for all you lovely comments on my posts, they really spur me on :D
P.S, here is me in the dress, i'll be thinner on the day!!
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